jesuschrist-:

i bought 100 calorie packs of guacamole because it seemed like something good for lunch at work

but i just put one in a bowl and what is this

a snack foR ANTS

jesuschrist-:

when i was driving home from work tonight i had to stop in the road for 2 cats and a deer

motherfucker who do you assholes think you are

the deer just stared at me for a few seconds

the cats stared at me for a long ass time

damn i have somewhere to be

Not bugs, but still good.

jesuschrist-:

i fucking hate bugs

jesuschrist-:

this is rikki’s mom’s fault

jesuschrist-:

the thing about sharks is

if you’re scared of them you can avoid the ocean

but daddy long legs for example

are motherfucking everywhere

disproportionate dickbags

jesuschrist-:

wow the amount of mosquitos outside right now is ridiculous

don’t you motherfuckers have something better to do

jesuschrist-:

two ants crawled into my peach tea

listen up fat fucks you’re ruining perfectly good tea

jesuschrist-:

there was this like weird super tiny spider in the bathroom

and it was wiggling its body around and i just stared at it and said

“are you doing spider aerobics in my house you fat sack of shit get OUT”